It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
