did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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