he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
whose ass print is on the piano?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
