If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
