I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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