WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
