Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
