I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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