I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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