At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
