i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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