sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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