u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
