he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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