I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
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I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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