if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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