At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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