I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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