we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize