I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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