i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
as a side note pls kill me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
