He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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