Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
