my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
