Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
