Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
