just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
