YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
did you just send me my own nude
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
