I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
