i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
