Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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