I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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