i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
MIDGETS
????
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
