but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
