I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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