my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
