Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
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You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
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You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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