got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
