I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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