if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
