Soap is not a condiment
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
