the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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