If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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