i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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