come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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