I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
