After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
