I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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