At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
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Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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