Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
