You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
