i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
