I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize