I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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