Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
