You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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