Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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