I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
