I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
