My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
