You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
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Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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