The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
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You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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