The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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