The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
