I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
